I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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