Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Randomize