That's intense
well I can't set my house on fire every night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize