what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
