I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
