Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
