Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
