sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
