So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
my liver is dry heaving
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize