i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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