fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
