Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
