In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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