Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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