So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
