WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i dont even know how to be here
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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