she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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