How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
