Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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