ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
