What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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