When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
