oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
