I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
