Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
