Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize