I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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