I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
