So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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