Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
