if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
