Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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