We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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