my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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