Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
