the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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