I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
