can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
