I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
no you cant smoke seaweed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think my moral compass just broke
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