My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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