I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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