watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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