I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize