i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Your shirt... Was in my pants
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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