whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
