I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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