does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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