Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
