Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm passing your future prison.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
