I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
