did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
