Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
