I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
