sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
