Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
