You just made me feel so damn special
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
