I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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