They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
