I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
